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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25712374">Greg to the Rescue</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaerith/pseuds/Kaerith'>Kaerith</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Witcher Prompt One-Shots [17]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Adventure, Gen, Humor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 09:54:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,682</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25712374</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaerith/pseuds/Kaerith</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It was horse-like, he supposed: four horse legs and a horse body. Jaskier had never seen a horse with a dark nebula of spectral eyes emanating from its head, though.</p><p>At least it had a sense of humor, unlike the arsehole Jaskier had left at the top of the mountain.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Witcher Prompt One-Shots [17]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1791685</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>129</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Witcher Kink Meme (Dreamwidth)</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Greg to the Rescue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Prompt: <a href="https://witcherkinkmeme.dreamwidth.org/429.html?thread=575917">Greg to the rescue: As Jaskier stumbles down the mountain, he is attacked and thinks for sure he will die but fate clearly has other plans for him and he is saved... by Greg the demon horse.</a></p><p>In case you haven't seen it or want to watch it again: <a href="https://mobile.twitter.com/NXOnNetflix/status/1258079076083875841">The Witcher’s @joeybateyuk helped us create a randomly generated D&amp;D monster.</a></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I'm going to die~ Oh, yes, gonna be killed and eaten and shat out. And Geralt will never learn manners because who else would be stupid enough to try to fucking <i>domesticate</i> the White Wolf besides stupid Jaskier. Always more balls than brains, my father told me. Oh. Ah, hello."
</p><p>Jaskier stumbled to a stop. He had expected to encounter a monster on his way down the mountain, alone. But, this....
</p><p>"Never seen anything like you before." Jaskier stayed in place except for his hands rising up in less of a defen<i>sive</i> and more of a defense<i>less</i> manner. "Haven't... heard about anything like you before. Gotta say, I think a fancy hat would be very fetching on you."
</p><p>It's <i>not</i> a horse. It was horse-like, he supposed: four horse legs and a horse body. Jaskier had never seen a horse with a dark nebula of spectral eyes emanating from its head, though.
</p><p>The demon-horse-monster didn't move so Jaskier didn't move. For a long time. The sun made sweat drip down the back of Jaskier's neck and trickle under his collar. When Jaskier did make the first move it was an instinctual dodge out of self-defense. "A wasp! Fuck, cock, a wasp!" He ducks his head and flinches away and cranes his neck to try to see the attacker but can't find the speck of danger as he looks around. When he finally remembers the other monster, he side-eyes it and thinks he catches it smirking.
</p><p>He shook a finger at it. "No fair for you to try to shame me about my childhood trauma. I bet you weren't chased by a horde of ravenous wasps when you were a... baby horse monster." The thing snickers at him; he can hear the sound in his head. It makes him relax.
</p><p>"Go ahead and laugh at the stupid, squishy, mortal bard then! At least you have a sense of humor, unlike the arsehole I left at the top of the mountain. All brawn and no brains, him, and no sense of humor! That idiot couldn't sleep so he found a genie! And invoked the Law of Surprise from a bloody princess and her beau! And had the nerve to blame me for his bad decisions!" He panted in the heat from the expulsion of emotions. The demon horse didn't move. In fact, it looked like a normal horse- maybe just a bit more reddish-coloured than usual. Four legs, two eyes, pretty black swishy mane and tail.
</p><p>"Thank you for listening. I appreciate it. I have had something of a rough day. Mind if I just get in the shade here and have a rest? Ah, appreciate it. You are a well-mannered fellow."
</p><p>The horse was just a horse. Obviously. Must have been the heat and the stress that made him project some sort of menace to the animal.
</p><p>Jaskier sat back against one of the sad, scraggly trees in the puddle of a tepid noon-time shadow and removed his boots. "Dragons. Can you believe that they actually exist? You're not a unicorn, are you? Geralt says that those don't exist, but I'm not sure I can trust anything he's ever told me."
</p><p>The horse seemed curious, so Jaskier wiggled his toes and circled his ankles while he explained. "Geralt is the pig's arse that I considered my best friend until he yelled me off the mountain not too long ago. The idiot who thought a genie would kindly give him a night of rest." The horse gave a snort that sounded derisive, so Jaskier didn't hesitate to agree. He was used to improvising conversations where he had to intuit or imagine the responses from a nonverbal creature, after all. "Exactly, horse. Thank you. It seems that you have heard the stories that I have. I thought it was a lot of effort to go through just to get some sleep, but once he found the thing and made his first wish I found out that the genie thing is real. And that djinn or whatever was a nasty bugger and would only grant wishes in horrible ways. Guess what Geralt's first wish was? To shut me up! I can forgive him that, I suppose, because I am a generous soul, but the djinn-thing made a fucking tumour grow in my neck!"
</p><p>The horse, whom Jaskier had decided looked like a fine Greg, seemed to eye Jaskier in concern. The bard gave him a reassuring little wave. "Ah, this was years ago, mind. Old water under the bridge, as they say. But he met his scary sorceress girlfriend trying to fix me. They are very on-again, off-again: long distance and controlling personality types, you know? I imagine it must be difficult to maintain a healthy relationship when one is tramping the world ridding it of evil and the other is holding orgies and taking over townships in a misguided effort to fill the empty hole in her soul. I have tried to offer my sagacious advice many times, but Geralt turned me down until today, when he practically blamed me for their newest row."
</p><p>Jaskier shoves his boots back on with a sigh. "I have talked your ears off. I should be moving on; got a long way to go. Back to civilization. By myself. If I can survive. You wouldn't happen to know where I could find water, would you?" The reddish horse snorted and seemed to point his nose downhill and toward the right. "Cheers. Might as well go in that direction. Farewell, Greg, you magnificent stallion of patience and wisdom! Go forth and continue on with your freedom and... eating grass and... other horsey stuff you do."
</p><p>A handful of minutes later and Greg was plodding along after him. Jaskier felt it was odd. Maybe the horse had belonged to someone? Someone whose companions had also left him to wander alone on this gods-damned mountain to die from thirst and exposure. Greg never approached any nearer, and Jaskier managed self-restraint because the last thing he needed alone in the middle of the wilderness was a broken leg or a bitten-off hand from getting too close to a horse of unknown provenance.
</p><p>There was water in the direction the horse had pointed. Jaskier looked back at the animal and the feeling that the horse was more than a horse came back. "Thank you!" He waved cheerfully before turning back to the stream to refill his waterskin.</p><p>"Now Geralt," he whispered to himself, "Would have been all swords first and questions never. Anything unknown-- any<i>one</i> unknown, for that matter-- is dangerous, he thinks. So far it hasn't done anything except listen to me ramble and has answered a straightforward question pertaining to information vital to my survival."
</p><p>He heard a howl from far off as he drank. The eerie noise made goosebumps prickle from the back of neck to his wrists. "That's not a wolf." He looked back at the horse who seemed to be as placid as usual. "Nothing to be worried about, right Greg? You seem fine. Not scared at all. Of course, you're a big guy who looks like he can take care of himself. Seem to be alone in the wilderness and thriving. Except your coat could use a good brushing and your mane looks tangled, but why bother when there isn't anyone around to impress. Of course, I'm sure it would be rather difficult to brush yourself when you don't have any arms." Greg's dark eyes definitely twinkled in amusement. "See? I'm a harmless bard. If you actually enjoy the presence of another person, I am a delightful companion. So maybe we can stick together while I stumble my way off this mountain. You can be the confident one in the face of... unknown but threatening howl-y things, and I can provide the comic relief." Jaskier was relieved when he followed the stream downhill and Greg followed. "Please, do not think I am merely replacing one intrepid traveling companion for another. I truly value you for your wisdom and patience and the fact that even as a horse you seem to appreciate my jokes and mere presence."
</p><p>He paused and looked over his shoulder at the animal. "If you accompany me to town, I will give you a thorough brushing. I'm sure all that dust must itch. And I can take a look at your feet, for I know that hooves need maintenance and care. This is only if you would permit me, of course. I have no desire to try to take what doesn't want be tamed." Jaskier gave a bitter laugh. "Learned that lesson. Oh, I suppose I should have learned it the first time when I tried to befriend a goose. I was maybe six, so I didn't yet know those birds are evil. And then the badger when I was eight. I managed to lure it into the house..."
</p><p>Jaskier kept a careful eye on Greg but he seemed to be amused and attentive. He tried to stop comparing Greg to Geralt because it was just depressing that the White Wolf's positive traits fell short of those of his new friend the Red Stallion.
</p><p>He was encouraged when he saw a handful of pillars of smoke rising from the forested valley below them. Still several hours' walk away, but it was a very uplifting sight.
</p><p>"Civilization! And much closer than I feared! Why did it take us so long to get up the damned mountain?"
</p><p>Another one of those howls sounded. Unlike the few that had echoed since the first one, this one sounded uncomfortably close. "Do you know what kind of animal howls in the daytime?" He asked Greg nervously. "Just to sate my curiosity. You're not scared, so it must be nothing, but perhaps you could somehow convey that information to soothe my rattled nerves?" Jaskier imagines slobbering fangs and a dark furry shape flying from above. It is an unpleasant image. He would really appreciate one of Geralt's grunts right about now. Either the one that meant "no big deal" or the one that meant "it might be a gory fight but I can handle it myself and then come back and be extremely grouchy as you fret obnoxiously over my grievous wounds that may look deadly but aren't because I am always fine."
</p><p>Jaskier and Greg approached the tree line where it had encroached up the side of the rocky hillside by the time the sunlight had started to dim. Jaskier had a good supply of water, but it still wasn't fooling his stomach into thinking it was food. The shade should have looked welcoming since Jaskier was dripping with sweat, but he was pretty sure the howls had come from somewhere beneath the canopy.
</p><p>"What do you think, Greg? Shall we push through bravely into the forest? Perhaps those howling creatures sleep at night... Unlike literally every other howling animal I have ever heard about. They have been howling all afternoon, so maybe they are diurnal? Or would it be safer to stay away from the trees for the night?"
</p><p>Greg, who had paused when Jaskier did and seemed to listen when Jaskier talked, turned pointedly away from Jaskier and headed to the woods. "Okay," Jaskier sighed. "This feels wrong, but this weird horse hasn't steered me wrong yet."
</p><p>Things go fine for another hour. Their progress is slower with the undergrowth and trees to walk around. The forest is silent in a way that keeps Jaskier intuitively wary, but he doesn't actually see anything out of the ordinary. Until something swoops down from a branch. Jaskier has a fraction of a second to realise that the creature was exactly the picture he had imagined in his head before his companion's movements absorb his attention.
</p><p>Greg is definitely, decidedly not a horse. Jaskier can suddenly remember the cloud of eyes he first saw because they are back, making Greg's presence something much larger than his physical form can contain. And Greg, also impossibly, has hands. Too many hands for a human, and obviously too many hands for a horse. But the gray furry thing is dead on the ground, and another one is diving from above, and Jaskier wants to hide from everything so he thinkers down against a tree trunk and cradles his lute.
</p><p>When the flurry of horse-arms, magic wind and fire, and screeches of dying monsters fades, Greg is the only thing left standing in a clearing of toppled trees. Looking like a normal horse again.
</p><p>Jaskier is pretty stunned. Eventually he levers himself off the ground. "Wow. That was- I've never seen anything like it. Thank you. I definitely owe you a nice grooming. And a hat. I really, really think a hat would suit you. And why shouldn't you have one? Because you are clearly more than a horse."
</p><p>Greg's black, friendly eye turned away from Jaskier and his body coiled up again with tension. Something else was approaching, and Jaskier wasn't sure whether he should keep approaching Greg or step away to give him room for his... ethereal eyes and fists and whatnot.
</p><p>"Get away from that thing, Jaskier."
</p><p>"Oh! That's just Geralt. I told you about him, remember? Muscles, swords, no personality or sense of humor. For gods' sake, Geralt, put that fucking sword away. This is Greg. He's my new friend. He's the one that killed all these furry monsters."
</p><p>"That is not a horse."
</p><p>Jaskier stepped between Greg and the witcher. "Of course he's not. He's got magic and eyes and horse-hands, for some reason. We've been traveling together since noon, practically since you yelled me out of your life, and he has been a more personable companion that you tend to be. He has smiled at my jokes and answered my questions, Geralt, and he doesn't even have the capacity for verbal speech!"
</p><p>"Do you even know what that thing is?!"
</p><p>Jaskier put his hands on his hips and stomped forward. "No. But I know <i>who</i> he is, just like I did with <i>you</i>. And if Greg disappoints me like you did, this time I won't have to deal with a broken heart because at least  I won't <i>fall in love</i> with something that looks like a horse. Just get out of our way, witcher, and I will do my best to grant you that <i>blessing</i> you so desperately want."
</p><p>It was quite satisfying to see Geralt's eyes go wide with emotion as he looked back and forth from Jaskier's angry face to the menacing presence behind the bard that had too many eyes. 
</p><p>Geralt's face kind of crumpled. "I'm sorry, Jask. I didn't mean it. I wasn't even angry at you. You didn't deserve any of those words."
</p><p>"Thank you, Geralt, I'm sure I will appreciate your apology after I have gotten over my anger. Now, I promised Greg that I would buy him a hat, so we must press on to civilization."
</p><p>"A... hat?" Geralt repeated, confused, but he sheathed his silver sword and stepped aside. Greg gave him a dark look as he passed the witcher but didn't do anything else.
</p><p>"Yes, a hat. Something formal to suit his glossy black mane. Greg, I promise it shall be glossy once you let me put a comb and some nice oil in it. Don't nicker at me.... Oh, sorry, that was a nice noise? I guess I'm too accustomed to <i>wolves snarling at me</i> that I have forgotten that most people appreciate compliments."
</p><p>Geralt stood with his hands spread out as he shook his head a few times in utter bewilderment. He didn't know what that creature was, but it was intelligent and didn't seem to have any intentions of harming Jaskier as it followed along placidly while the bard chattered. He looked back to the clearing of torn-up trees at the seven (eight?) mutilated fleder bodies. He couldn't leave Jaskier alone with that thing. He set his jaw and followed after them, able to hear the human as he still nattered on about hats.</p>
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